I’ll be totally honest, I’m still feeling fairly neutral about the whole thing. I’ve done a couple of mindfulness practices which have sometimes held my focus, sometimes haven’t clicked at all, and sometimes been really helpful. I know for sure that I’m in a way better headspace than I was when I started writing these blogs, although who’s to say whether that’s to do with the mindfulness, or the ability to focus my energy on these blog posts, on something concrete. I don’t feel like I’m remembering to refocus enough throughout the day for me to say it’s the mindfulness that’s helping.
I still haven’t really found a rhythm I’m comfortable with yet; sometimes these practices feel like a total waste of time, but sometimes I really look forward to them. I’m hoping it gets easier to allow that time for myself. Even fifteen minutes feels like a huge chunk of time for me to focus and it’s put me off trying once or twice. Sometimes I feel annoyed by the fact that I could be watching TV or reading something with that time, like there are other things I’d rather be doing.
But maybe that’s a positive thing too! Maybe thinking “no I’d rather be reading this book I’m really enjoying than focussing on a mindfulness practice” is a huge sign of success. It’s not been nearly long enough for the practices to have completely overhauled my life, but I’m noticing a slight shift in that I’m making active choices instead of passive ones. I’m choosing to stay in bed for an extra 30 minutes so I can feel the sheets on my legs, instead of falling back asleep straight after turning off my alarm without making the conscious decision to do so. I’m choosing to spend 20 minutes on Instagram, picking out funny videos to send to my partner, instead of mindlessly scrolling for an hour and feeling like I’ve wasted the time afterwards.
It’s not been nearly long enough for the practices to have completely overhauled my life, but I’m noticing a slight shift in that I’m making active choices instead of passive ones.
It’ll be interesting to see if I keep it up after I no longer feel like I have the responsibility to, because I’ve finished writing these blog posts. There’s definitely a part of me that feels a bit like it’s a chore at the moment, unless I’ve planned to do it first thing in the morning, before I’ve started thinking properly. Even if I’m reluctant to start, I usually feel good afterwards though. I guess it’s a bit like exercise in that way; sometimes it feels like you can’t give it your full attention, but even if it turns out I can’t, I feel better for having tried.
This is part 5 of a series entitled ‘A Sceptic’s guide to entering the World of Mindfulness’.